Birthday Girl

I cannot say that I feel 23. I guess in a way, I could say I feel a change within me because I wasn’t concerned with a big birthday production. I enjoyed spending quality time with family and friends going to dinner and a movie. Last year, I was glad not to be spending it in the hospital. This year, I am just blessed that I made it to another year. And that, in and of itself was the best birthday gift, the biggest celebration that I could have. With that said, I was overly emotional I cried a little when I read the cards I got from my mom and sisters. I suppose true to Hallmark fashion, I was supposed to cry but this card seemed to mean more. God’s not through with me yet.
“Flexibility is going to the edge of your comfort zone without pushing yourself too hard. Flexibility is knowing that compromise makes everyone a winner. Flexibility is being open to change while being okay with wherever you are. Flexibility is bending without breaking, whatever life brings your way. Flexibility is making it a habit to stretch your living and laughter muscles everyday. Always reach as high and far as you can for whatever brings you true happiness.”

Winter Heart

When you left, you took the
seasons.
I peer out
the frosty windowpane.
Ice frames the glass and
creeps inward.
I exhale white clouds and
they chill the pane more.
Pristine snow covers
your footprints.
No one has come since you left.
Dark skies loom
like the memory of you.
Sharp winds rattle the glass.
The barren trees surround,
they fence me in.
I can spring no more.
I sit
and sit,
frozen
by the window in
your chair.

Anniversary

What was I doing a year ago today? I was fighting for my life. Kind of a cruel April Fool’s joke, I you ask me? I was admitted to the hospital a little before midnight. I spent the rest of the night crying and praying that I would make it to the morning. I couldn’t see past the next day, or to my birthday, let alone a year later. It’s been a year I hardly recognize.
This past year has been full of change, physical and mental. There is no way to get used to “being sick” quickly. An illness takes a toll on living. I try to manage through the days, but it’s hard as hell when you have to wake up and take six (maybe more) different pills every morning. Things that never hurt before, remind you daily that something is wrong. When you keep a constant low-grade fever for no reason and have to keep popping Tylenol, you’re not eager to go out. When all of a sudden you develop allergies to foods or skin products you’ve used all your life and have allergic reactions (swollen lips, eyes, face), you lose confidence. Everything effects who I am now.
People assumed that I was just supposed to rebound and go back to being myself. I can’t do that though. I’m not the same person. I don’t like to go out, so sue me. The club ain’t never really been for me, but I would go because I wanted to get out. Now, it’s just not me. I don’t like the club and plus a crowded, hot, smoke-filled box ain’t really conducive to meds. Call me lame if you want. No, I’m not up for making friends either due to a few reasons. But mainly, I’m just not the social type any more. What can I say? I’m trying, but it’s a day-to-day struggle that people just don’t understand and I can’t make them. I have to do what I think is right for me. I have to live with me. I have to survive for me.
So it’s a year later and I’m still learning. But I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to do so. Right now I can only say how I almost died and the impact that had. Hopefully, in the future, I can say how I lived