Lifetime

... I can let my life pass me by or I can get down and try...

The Maxwell & Chrisette Michele concert was definitely a bigger treat to me than I thought. That concert was the epitome of SOUL. Hands down, it was the best concert I’ve been to thus far...even coming in ahead of The Roots...sorry. That concert was a very personal experience, made me realize that I’m human and see how I get busy taking care of everybody else, forgetting about myself. Many people told that I was stupid for going by myself, but this was my gift to me. I didn’t want anyone to ruin this for me. While watching Chrisette passionately belt out her songs and Maxwell soothingly serenade, all the emotions that have overwhelmed me in the past months; fear, depression, heartache, bitterness, regret, hate, love, all the things I’d been trying to bury resurfaced and hit me at once. And with everything that I’ve been through, these feeling I have are completely natural, especially in my situation. It’s okay to feel those ways. I’m okay.

...I know I got a little life in me left...a little strength left...

I’ve been so at odds with love these past months for letting me down, BIG time, so close together. I’ve hated it, been bitter towards it, and even done something not in my nature- and regretted it. I see I’m causing myself unneeded stress by dwelling on something I can’t change, that I don’t want to change. Sometimes people only come into your life for a season, and even though the season may return, it’s only meant to teach a lesson. It’s never permanent. Everything has all been for the better, my heart is free. The memories will fade. Memories will be replaced.
...Someone better will love me...

And I still haven’t quite come to term with living with a chronic illness. I’m tired of people referring to me as sick. What is sick? What does that mean? Is it being a shell of your former self? It’s been months and I’m still not used to this and I don’t think my family and friends are used to this, and because I still don’t understand what is going on and why this happened, I can’t get them to do the same. From time to time I get the urge to ask God why but find that there’s no use in questioning the Lord. I just pray God I can cope. I get the feeling often to want to break down and cry, but that’s like adding defeat, I’m not defeated. I’m not dead. I was given a second chance and a third. I’m lucky, I’m blessed.

...I was reborn when I was broken...I’ll work it all out this lifetime...