Goodybye Sorrow...Hello Tomorrow

With my college graduation on the horizon, I find myself searching for the inspiration to continue my journey. Even though I’m weary of what awaits me after graduation it’s the daily aches, pains, and other reminders of my illness that keep me hesitant about my future.

Some days I wake and feel defeated before I even start to fight. I focus so much on the pain in my joints, the swelling in hands or the amount of medicines I take to keep me from having a serious flare-up that I forget the most important aspect of those actions, which is simply that I am alive. I can feel the pain of stiff and inflamed joints because blood is steadily pumping through my veins. Whenever I lose sight of that fact there are two jazz songs that renew my hope every time. Ronny Jordan’s “The Morning After” reminds us that there is hope in the birth of the sun. Singer, Dana Glover joins forces with saxophonist, Dave Koz, to make “Start All Over Again” a motivational anthem for the disheartened. Both of these songs reinforce to me that I have the power to heal myself. Every morning is the beginning to a new page in my life. I have the power to write what comes next in the history of me. Pain is temporary. It will all pass. It is up to me to determine how long I let those emotions run unbridled in my soul.

For me, it’s my illness that I struggle with. For others, it may be love. Sometimes friendships end; relationships don’t work out. Heartbreak is fleeting. People experience many different problems, many disappointments in life. That’s just it though, life happens. Even more so, life goes on. Once you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom, look up. There is always a tomorrow.

But as long as you’re still breathing, as long as you’re heart’s beating, you can start all over.

Let's Have a Toast

Kanye West ended the 2010 VMAs with the new single "Run Away" from his upcoming album. I love this song. Nothing but the best. I can't wait to hear the rest.

"Let's have a toast for the douche-bags....everyone of them that I know..."

And we all know that one...

Late Nights & Early Mornings

Marsha Ambrosius, formerly the songstress of the duo Floetry, is set to release her solo debut October 26. "Hope She Cheats on You (With a Basketball Player) is the first single.

It's Been Awhile

SO these past few months have flown by. Summer school kept me busy, kept my writing on a backburner, but I plan to finish as much of what I started before school starts on the 16th. I've started so many pieces but have neglected them all to excel in school. I finally relaized that I wanted to return to the student that I used to be. I can't run from who I am. Even though studying and working on papers and projects left little time for a personal life, it was all worth it. I've returned to the overachiever that I used to be because it was what I wanted and not what everyone else expected of me. It is always more fulfilling doing things for my own happiness than that of others. I always knew I could do, but I now I have proven it to myself and damn it feels good. I'm headed into my last SEMESTER of college and DAMN it feels great. I will graduate in December with a Bachelor's degree in Creative Writing and a minor in Sociology. After December the real challenge begins. I look forward to working a forty hour work week and starting graduate school. I'm excited about exploring Social Work for my Master's degree. I still haven't decided if I want to concentrate on Child & Family or Substance Abuse, but either way I think I will enjoy it. I've overcome so much and now it's time to reap the rewards.

Searching for that Feeling

Why does it seem like we are never sure of what we want? I am ready for love, to try again, to risk it all. I claimed it. It was mine. But now, when I am faced with a prospect, I don’t see it, I can’t feel it? I’m not saying I should be in love after a date-that’s not how I operate, but shouldn’t I feel something? He said he could feel the chemistry in his gut. I questioned it of course, asking if he was sure it wasn’t dinner. We laughed of course, because I’m naturally funny, but I couldn’t feel anything. I still don’t. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a cool guy, but as we talked I found myself placing him in any category but boyfriend. And there is no reason-which I can see at the moment- as to why I shouldn’t want more from him. He’s in college (double major), he has a job, no kids, all his teeth, ya know the whole shebang, but I have no interest beyond friends. I feel bad because I don’t want to waste his time, but I feel bad for myself because compared to other boyfriends, he seems like he would be better for me. So why do I not want a well-educated man who wants me? I can’t pinpoint it. I want to say it’s because he does the whole “rap” thing, which just doesn’t appeal to me or it’s because I know his sister. Neither of which seem like valid reasons, so maybe I’m just stupid. He doesn’t seem like a challenge. There’s no distance between us, no addiction he needs to work through, no barrier to break, no bitchassness quality that he needs to work on. It’s not difficult and let’s face it, as much as I complain sometimes, I’d rather have things be difficult than easy. If it’s easy, there’s no excitement. I don’t want to be that girl that always dates the jerk, but now I have want seems to be a fairly good guy in front of me and my interest isn’t peaked. At the same time though, I want to see it through.

So I guess in the meantime I’m waiting on my gut to tell me something good.

I'll Never Tell You...

Colbie Caillat - I Never Told You download at emp3

It's funny how you can hear the song the pretty much captures how you're feeling at an exact moment. It reminded me of how permanent love can be. That when you truly commit your heart to loving someone, no matter everything you've been through with them, it is hard to empty you heart of those feelings. It doesn’t make you any weaker to acknowledge them or to reminisce. Holding it in doesn’t help, it hurts; it weighs heavy on your heart. Admitting how you feel could change it all-for better or worse. You never know what could happen, but at least you spoke your peace.

I miss you…

Unthinkable(I'm Ready) [Remix]

This song just keeps finding new ways to kill me...

"I’m just down to ride or we can roll around the city until we finally decide. I got more than a thing for you, tattoo and ink for you right over my heart girl I do the unthinkable"

I'm Ready

Birthday Girl

I cannot say that I feel 23. I guess in a way, I could say I feel a change within me because I wasn’t concerned with a big birthday production. I enjoyed spending quality time with family and friends going to dinner and a movie. Last year, I was glad not to be spending it in the hospital. This year, I am just blessed that I made it to another year. And that, in and of itself was the best birthday gift, the biggest celebration that I could have. With that said, I was overly emotional I cried a little when I read the cards I got from my mom and sisters. I suppose true to Hallmark fashion, I was supposed to cry but this card seemed to mean more. God’s not through with me yet.
“Flexibility is going to the edge of your comfort zone without pushing yourself too hard. Flexibility is knowing that compromise makes everyone a winner. Flexibility is being open to change while being okay with wherever you are. Flexibility is bending without breaking, whatever life brings your way. Flexibility is making it a habit to stretch your living and laughter muscles everyday. Always reach as high and far as you can for whatever brings you true happiness.”

Winter Heart

When you left, you took the
seasons.
I peer out
the frosty windowpane.
Ice frames the glass and
creeps inward.
I exhale white clouds and
they chill the pane more.
Pristine snow covers
your footprints.
No one has come since you left.
Dark skies loom
like the memory of you.
Sharp winds rattle the glass.
The barren trees surround,
they fence me in.
I can spring no more.
I sit
and sit,
frozen
by the window in
your chair.

Anniversary

What was I doing a year ago today? I was fighting for my life. Kind of a cruel April Fool’s joke, I you ask me? I was admitted to the hospital a little before midnight. I spent the rest of the night crying and praying that I would make it to the morning. I couldn’t see past the next day, or to my birthday, let alone a year later. It’s been a year I hardly recognize.
This past year has been full of change, physical and mental. There is no way to get used to “being sick” quickly. An illness takes a toll on living. I try to manage through the days, but it’s hard as hell when you have to wake up and take six (maybe more) different pills every morning. Things that never hurt before, remind you daily that something is wrong. When you keep a constant low-grade fever for no reason and have to keep popping Tylenol, you’re not eager to go out. When all of a sudden you develop allergies to foods or skin products you’ve used all your life and have allergic reactions (swollen lips, eyes, face), you lose confidence. Everything effects who I am now.
People assumed that I was just supposed to rebound and go back to being myself. I can’t do that though. I’m not the same person. I don’t like to go out, so sue me. The club ain’t never really been for me, but I would go because I wanted to get out. Now, it’s just not me. I don’t like the club and plus a crowded, hot, smoke-filled box ain’t really conducive to meds. Call me lame if you want. No, I’m not up for making friends either due to a few reasons. But mainly, I’m just not the social type any more. What can I say? I’m trying, but it’s a day-to-day struggle that people just don’t understand and I can’t make them. I have to do what I think is right for me. I have to live with me. I have to survive for me.
So it’s a year later and I’m still learning. But I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to do so. Right now I can only say how I almost died and the impact that had. Hopefully, in the future, I can say how I lived