Why does it seem like we are never sure of what we want? I am ready for love, to try again, to risk it all. I claimed it. It was mine. But now, when I am faced with a prospect, I don’t see it, I can’t feel it? I’m not saying I should be in love after a date-that’s not how I operate, but shouldn’t I feel something? He said he could feel the chemistry in his gut. I questioned it of course, asking if he was sure it wasn’t dinner. We laughed of course, because I’m naturally funny, but I couldn’t feel anything. I still don’t. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a cool guy, but as we talked I found myself placing him in any category but boyfriend. And there is no reason-which I can see at the moment- as to why I shouldn’t want more from him. He’s in college (double major), he has a job, no kids, all his teeth, ya know the whole shebang, but I have no interest beyond friends. I feel bad because I don’t want to waste his time, but I feel bad for myself because compared to other boyfriends, he seems like he would be better for me. So why do I not want a well-educated man who wants me? I can’t pinpoint it. I want to say it’s because he does the whole “rap” thing, which just doesn’t appeal to me or it’s because I know his sister. Neither of which seem like valid reasons, so maybe I’m just stupid. He doesn’t seem like a challenge. There’s no distance between us, no addiction he needs to work through, no barrier to break, no bitchassness quality that he needs to work on. It’s not difficult and let’s face it, as much as I complain sometimes, I’d rather have things be difficult than easy. If it’s easy, there’s no excitement. I don’t want to be that girl that always dates the jerk, but now I have want seems to be a fairly good guy in front of me and my interest isn’t peaked. At the same time though, I want to see it through.
So I guess in the meantime I’m waiting on my gut to tell me something good.
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