I'll Never Tell You...

Colbie Caillat - I Never Told You download at emp3

It's funny how you can hear the song the pretty much captures how you're feeling at an exact moment. It reminded me of how permanent love can be. That when you truly commit your heart to loving someone, no matter everything you've been through with them, it is hard to empty you heart of those feelings. It doesn’t make you any weaker to acknowledge them or to reminisce. Holding it in doesn’t help, it hurts; it weighs heavy on your heart. Admitting how you feel could change it all-for better or worse. You never know what could happen, but at least you spoke your peace.

I miss you…

Unthinkable(I'm Ready) [Remix]

This song just keeps finding new ways to kill me...

"I’m just down to ride or we can roll around the city until we finally decide. I got more than a thing for you, tattoo and ink for you right over my heart girl I do the unthinkable"

I'm Ready

Birthday Girl

I cannot say that I feel 23. I guess in a way, I could say I feel a change within me because I wasn’t concerned with a big birthday production. I enjoyed spending quality time with family and friends going to dinner and a movie. Last year, I was glad not to be spending it in the hospital. This year, I am just blessed that I made it to another year. And that, in and of itself was the best birthday gift, the biggest celebration that I could have. With that said, I was overly emotional I cried a little when I read the cards I got from my mom and sisters. I suppose true to Hallmark fashion, I was supposed to cry but this card seemed to mean more. God’s not through with me yet.
“Flexibility is going to the edge of your comfort zone without pushing yourself too hard. Flexibility is knowing that compromise makes everyone a winner. Flexibility is being open to change while being okay with wherever you are. Flexibility is bending without breaking, whatever life brings your way. Flexibility is making it a habit to stretch your living and laughter muscles everyday. Always reach as high and far as you can for whatever brings you true happiness.”

Winter Heart

When you left, you took the
seasons.
I peer out
the frosty windowpane.
Ice frames the glass and
creeps inward.
I exhale white clouds and
they chill the pane more.
Pristine snow covers
your footprints.
No one has come since you left.
Dark skies loom
like the memory of you.
Sharp winds rattle the glass.
The barren trees surround,
they fence me in.
I can spring no more.
I sit
and sit,
frozen
by the window in
your chair.

Anniversary

What was I doing a year ago today? I was fighting for my life. Kind of a cruel April Fool’s joke, I you ask me? I was admitted to the hospital a little before midnight. I spent the rest of the night crying and praying that I would make it to the morning. I couldn’t see past the next day, or to my birthday, let alone a year later. It’s been a year I hardly recognize.
This past year has been full of change, physical and mental. There is no way to get used to “being sick” quickly. An illness takes a toll on living. I try to manage through the days, but it’s hard as hell when you have to wake up and take six (maybe more) different pills every morning. Things that never hurt before, remind you daily that something is wrong. When you keep a constant low-grade fever for no reason and have to keep popping Tylenol, you’re not eager to go out. When all of a sudden you develop allergies to foods or skin products you’ve used all your life and have allergic reactions (swollen lips, eyes, face), you lose confidence. Everything effects who I am now.
People assumed that I was just supposed to rebound and go back to being myself. I can’t do that though. I’m not the same person. I don’t like to go out, so sue me. The club ain’t never really been for me, but I would go because I wanted to get out. Now, it’s just not me. I don’t like the club and plus a crowded, hot, smoke-filled box ain’t really conducive to meds. Call me lame if you want. No, I’m not up for making friends either due to a few reasons. But mainly, I’m just not the social type any more. What can I say? I’m trying, but it’s a day-to-day struggle that people just don’t understand and I can’t make them. I have to do what I think is right for me. I have to live with me. I have to survive for me.
So it’s a year later and I’m still learning. But I am thankful that I was given the opportunity to do so. Right now I can only say how I almost died and the impact that had. Hopefully, in the future, I can say how I lived

Lifetime

... I can let my life pass me by or I can get down and try...

The Maxwell & Chrisette Michele concert was definitely a bigger treat to me than I thought. That concert was the epitome of SOUL. Hands down, it was the best concert I’ve been to thus far...even coming in ahead of The Roots...sorry. That concert was a very personal experience, made me realize that I’m human and see how I get busy taking care of everybody else, forgetting about myself. Many people told that I was stupid for going by myself, but this was my gift to me. I didn’t want anyone to ruin this for me. While watching Chrisette passionately belt out her songs and Maxwell soothingly serenade, all the emotions that have overwhelmed me in the past months; fear, depression, heartache, bitterness, regret, hate, love, all the things I’d been trying to bury resurfaced and hit me at once. And with everything that I’ve been through, these feeling I have are completely natural, especially in my situation. It’s okay to feel those ways. I’m okay.

...I know I got a little life in me left...a little strength left...

I’ve been so at odds with love these past months for letting me down, BIG time, so close together. I’ve hated it, been bitter towards it, and even done something not in my nature- and regretted it. I see I’m causing myself unneeded stress by dwelling on something I can’t change, that I don’t want to change. Sometimes people only come into your life for a season, and even though the season may return, it’s only meant to teach a lesson. It’s never permanent. Everything has all been for the better, my heart is free. The memories will fade. Memories will be replaced.
...Someone better will love me...

And I still haven’t quite come to term with living with a chronic illness. I’m tired of people referring to me as sick. What is sick? What does that mean? Is it being a shell of your former self? It’s been months and I’m still not used to this and I don’t think my family and friends are used to this, and because I still don’t understand what is going on and why this happened, I can’t get them to do the same. From time to time I get the urge to ask God why but find that there’s no use in questioning the Lord. I just pray God I can cope. I get the feeling often to want to break down and cry, but that’s like adding defeat, I’m not defeated. I’m not dead. I was given a second chance and a third. I’m lucky, I’m blessed.

...I was reborn when I was broken...I’ll work it all out this lifetime...

School's Out for Summer

Today was the last day of Term B summer school. Hip, hip hooray! I made it. 5 weeks of Monday-Friday two hour classes and I did it. At first, the thought of going back to school seemed intimidating. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. But I had to prove to myself and to others that I had it in me, that taking classes again wouldn’t be more than I could handle, that I would be well enough to take a full load in the fall. I worked at it, and studied and did all of my homework, well most of it. I got a well deserved “A” in Spanish, especially after completely acing one of the hardest Spanish tests I’ve ever taken. I came out with a “B” in my writing class. Flash prose turned out to be an interesting class and I loved every minute of. I kicked ass on my portfolio and I’m proud of that. So now it’s reward time. The Maxwell is coming up and I couldn’t be more excited, a special gift to me and the Young Money Atlanta trip is coming up. Can’t wait.