... I can let my life pass me by or I can get down and try...
The Maxwell & Chrisette Michele concert was definitely a bigger treat to me than I thought. That concert was the epitome of SOUL. Hands down, it was the best concert I’ve been to thus far...even coming in ahead of The Roots...sorry. That concert was a very personal experience, made me realize that I’m human and see how I get busy taking care of everybody else, forgetting about myself. Many people told that I was stupid for going by myself, but this was my gift to me. I didn’t want anyone to ruin this for me. While watching Chrisette passionately belt out her songs and Maxwell soothingly serenade, all the emotions that have overwhelmed me in the past months; fear, depression, heartache, bitterness, regret, hate, love, all the things I’d been trying to bury resurfaced and hit me at once. And with everything that I’ve been through, these feeling I have are completely natural, especially in my situation. It’s okay to feel those ways. I’m okay.
...I know I got a little life in me left...a little strength left...
I’ve been so at odds with love these past months for letting me down, BIG time, so close together. I’ve hated it, been bitter towards it, and even done something not in my nature- and regretted it. I see I’m causing myself unneeded stress by dwelling on something I can’t change, that I don’t want to change. Sometimes people only come into your life for a season, and even though the season may return, it’s only meant to teach a lesson. It’s never permanent. Everything has all been for the better, my heart is free. The memories will fade. Memories will be replaced.
...Someone better will love me...
And I still haven’t quite come to term with living with a chronic illness. I’m tired of people referring to me as sick. What is sick? What does that mean? Is it being a shell of your former self? It’s been months and I’m still not used to this and I don’t think my family and friends are used to this, and because I still don’t understand what is going on and why this happened, I can’t get them to do the same. From time to time I get the urge to ask God why but find that there’s no use in questioning the Lord. I just pray God I can cope. I get the feeling often to want to break down and cry, but that’s like adding defeat, I’m not defeated. I’m not dead. I was given a second chance and a third. I’m lucky, I’m blessed.
...I was reborn when I was broken...I’ll work it all out this lifetime...
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
School's Out for Summer
Today was the last day of Term B summer school. Hip, hip hooray! I made it. 5 weeks of Monday-Friday two hour classes and I did it. At first, the thought of going back to school seemed intimidating. I wasn’t sure if I could do it. But I had to prove to myself and to others that I had it in me, that taking classes again wouldn’t be more than I could handle, that I would be well enough to take a full load in the fall. I worked at it, and studied and did all of my homework, well most of it. I got a well deserved “A” in Spanish, especially after completely acing one of the hardest Spanish tests I’ve ever taken. I came out with a “B” in my writing class. Flash prose turned out to be an interesting class and I loved every minute of. I kicked ass on my portfolio and I’m proud of that. So now it’s reward time. The Maxwell is coming up and I couldn’t be more excited, a special gift to me and the Young Money Atlanta trip is coming up. Can’t wait.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
I Know
Prescriptions expire
Addictions come to an end
My intervention is over
The Doc’s no longer in
Brain unwashed
Not afflicted with affection
The dependency is gone
Finally come to my senses and
Left you the hell alone
My body ain’t fiendin’ no more
My soul gained control
So I’m finally free
My heart no longer pledge
allegiance to thee
Damn I’m lovin’ these days
not needin’ the D.
Addictions come to an end
My intervention is over
The Doc’s no longer in
Brain unwashed
Not afflicted with affection
The dependency is gone
Finally come to my senses and
Left you the hell alone
My body ain’t fiendin’ no more
My soul gained control
So I’m finally free
My heart no longer pledge
allegiance to thee
Damn I’m lovin’ these days
not needin’ the D.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Pretty Wings
I’m flying SOLO and damn it feels good. I’m taking some much needed time off from being in a relationship. It’s too big of a commitment at the moment and I don’t need that kind of stress in my life, especially not now. I have my health to worry about. I have to take care of me right now. I’m my main priority.
For the past two months I’ve had time to reflect on myself and past relationships. And even though I want to regret some decisions I’ve made, I can’t. They were all things that I wanted at the time and if I regret those moments, then I’m denying a part of me. All have been experience that I’ve learned valuable lessons from and with each failed relationship I’ve learned a little more about myself.
Like for instance, with my ex I put most of the blame on him for the demise of us and minimized my credit in the whole affair. I recently realized that I was completely to blame-well not completely-but it was my actions, my repeated forgiving that brought about his actions. I still think I should’ve left after I first doubted the union. I stayed, thinking I was being the bigger person. I stayed because I thought I was making this COURAGEOUS stand for love. I stayed because i was “in love.” And each time he did something unacceptable those were the reasons I used to convince myself to go back, to stay. When a person realizes that you’ll give a hundred tries they tend to take advantage of the situation. I had made myself vulnerable.
I’m happy with putting love on the back burner. I know I’m capable... “Everything in its right time, everything in its right place...” The next time I don’t want to have security issues, I don’t want to be jealous, I don’t want to have to worry about crossing state lines, and I don’t want to make to make the same mistakes. I’m in no rush. I’m on official PLAYA status...lol. I still have a game of hide & seek I have yet to finish and look forward to doing so, I’m still having fun. Being single gives me the freedom that at 22 I feel I should have. So I’m spreading my wings...my declaration of independence, right now a star's in the ascendant.
For the past two months I’ve had time to reflect on myself and past relationships. And even though I want to regret some decisions I’ve made, I can’t. They were all things that I wanted at the time and if I regret those moments, then I’m denying a part of me. All have been experience that I’ve learned valuable lessons from and with each failed relationship I’ve learned a little more about myself.
Like for instance, with my ex I put most of the blame on him for the demise of us and minimized my credit in the whole affair. I recently realized that I was completely to blame-well not completely-but it was my actions, my repeated forgiving that brought about his actions. I still think I should’ve left after I first doubted the union. I stayed, thinking I was being the bigger person. I stayed because I thought I was making this COURAGEOUS stand for love. I stayed because i was “in love.” And each time he did something unacceptable those were the reasons I used to convince myself to go back, to stay. When a person realizes that you’ll give a hundred tries they tend to take advantage of the situation. I had made myself vulnerable.
I’m happy with putting love on the back burner. I know I’m capable... “Everything in its right time, everything in its right place...” The next time I don’t want to have security issues, I don’t want to be jealous, I don’t want to have to worry about crossing state lines, and I don’t want to make to make the same mistakes. I’m in no rush. I’m on official PLAYA status...lol. I still have a game of hide & seek I have yet to finish and look forward to doing so, I’m still having fun. Being single gives me the freedom that at 22 I feel I should have. So I’m spreading my wings...my declaration of independence, right now a star's in the ascendant.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Homecoming- Life After Death
“…B.I.G. didn’t get to see how this feels…” and lying from my ICU bed in East Georgia Medical Center, I often questioned if I would get a second chance.
When I first got sick in March, I figured I was just that, a temporary case of whatever. Then week two weeks and I developed serious chest pain and started spending more time at the doctor than I have the past four years combined. Week three followed and I was still no better.
March 31 was the start to my nearly month long stint in the hospital. I thought I was dying. Doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Life looked grim. My hope had died. I could barely move from my bed and even when I could manage some strength I felt defeated and didn’t try to get up. That first night I was scared out of my mind. I cried. I prayed. I cried some more when my mom got there the next day. I didn’t want her to see me like that. Even she thought I was on my deathbed. There is nothing worse than being trapped in a room with someone who thinks you’re dying.
As March morphed into April I racked up my time in the hospital. I’m still surprised I didn’t spend my birthday in there. I’ve been trying to adjust since May, but that’s been hectic. I was forced to drop out of school, which broke my heart. I stopped writing because it just didn’t make sense anymore, like my words had lost all meaning and value to me. I was home and people kept treating me like I was severely handicapped. I had to repeat myself, reminding everyone that I was capable. I felt like a burden at home, constant prescription refills and doctor visits, stressing that I might become sick again, people acting like I was contagious. It’s been hard and I don’t think I’ve fully accepted the diagnosis of Lupus-and House said “It’s never lupus”- but until proved otherwise that’s the reality in which I live. I’m happy to be alive and I’m glad to have another chance to make new experiences.
But today was like my real Homecoming. I’m back in Statesboro and in my own apartment. I feel like I’ve got the part of me back that I’ve been missing. I’m back to my real life. Summer classes start in the next week, I have a job interview too, and music classes to look forward to in the fall. I’ve found some weird inspiration in being back, so I’m going to take full advantage of it. I know there’s more to come.
When I first got sick in March, I figured I was just that, a temporary case of whatever. Then week two weeks and I developed serious chest pain and started spending more time at the doctor than I have the past four years combined. Week three followed and I was still no better.
March 31 was the start to my nearly month long stint in the hospital. I thought I was dying. Doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. Life looked grim. My hope had died. I could barely move from my bed and even when I could manage some strength I felt defeated and didn’t try to get up. That first night I was scared out of my mind. I cried. I prayed. I cried some more when my mom got there the next day. I didn’t want her to see me like that. Even she thought I was on my deathbed. There is nothing worse than being trapped in a room with someone who thinks you’re dying.
As March morphed into April I racked up my time in the hospital. I’m still surprised I didn’t spend my birthday in there. I’ve been trying to adjust since May, but that’s been hectic. I was forced to drop out of school, which broke my heart. I stopped writing because it just didn’t make sense anymore, like my words had lost all meaning and value to me. I was home and people kept treating me like I was severely handicapped. I had to repeat myself, reminding everyone that I was capable. I felt like a burden at home, constant prescription refills and doctor visits, stressing that I might become sick again, people acting like I was contagious. It’s been hard and I don’t think I’ve fully accepted the diagnosis of Lupus-and House said “It’s never lupus”- but until proved otherwise that’s the reality in which I live. I’m happy to be alive and I’m glad to have another chance to make new experiences.
But today was like my real Homecoming. I’m back in Statesboro and in my own apartment. I feel like I’ve got the part of me back that I’ve been missing. I’m back to my real life. Summer classes start in the next week, I have a job interview too, and music classes to look forward to in the fall. I’ve found some weird inspiration in being back, so I’m going to take full advantage of it. I know there’s more to come.
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